I lost it. I lost my cool today. I didn't yell. I didn't raise my voice. I did something much worse. I insulted a student.
I'm not one to lose my cool at school. I’m sad to say that usually happens when I get home. Today was different. I had a rough morning getting my kids up and ready. My school computer was acting up. And several students were shouting things across the classroom during the morning announcements. That shouting was the last straw.
I went over and stood between the two shouting girls' tables. I should've made eye contact and pressed my index finger against my lips. I should've looked at them with the teacher eye and slowly moved my head back and forth. I should've whispered, "No talking during announcements." I should've. But I didn't.
Instead, I went for the easy kill. I did something that would make me feel good for about half a second and terrible for the rest of the day. I used my tongue as a weapon. I insulted two nine-year-old girls. I said something to the effect of, "Did you release your brain into the wild this weekend? Why are you shouting during the announcements?" Wow. It's even worse when I type the words out. Way to go, teacher of the year…
I called the girls over to my desk when the announcements were over. In earshot of the class, I apologized to my students. I told them that I was very sorry for saying that to them. They should not have been hollering, but I should have handled that much better.
One girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Stortz. We'll do better tomorrow." The other girl looked at me for a moment. For the first time I noticed tears pooling near the bottom of her red-rimmed eyes. Her eyes met mine. She nodded and went back to her seat as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand. I wanted to crawl into the bottom of my file cabinet and hide until lunch. Then I wanted to crawl into my lunch bag and hide until tomorrow. I’ve rarely felt worse in my years of teaching.
Well, I got what I wanted- silence during the announcements. But at what price? Their compliance was not worth the price of admission. I took out a huge withdrawal from those girls today. It's going to take a while to get us back to ground zero. If I truly believe that great learning happens in the context of great relationships, then I've got some work to do on these relationships. I'd better get started.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
and those who love it will eat its fruits.”
-Proverbs 18:21
This post brings back so many memories. When I was in sixth grade, I had the greatest teacher. He talked to us, listened to us and made learning interesting. One day, I was so excited, that, similar to your girls, I was full of too much talk and too much energy. My teacher yelled at me and I cried--I cried because I was so upset that I had let my good teacher down. I cried because I didn't think he liked me anymore. After that I was more careful about containing my energy and I still regarded my teacher with great affection and care--to this day, he remains one of my favorite teachers.
ReplyDeleteAs a teacher, I feel so bad when I make a child upset. It's never my aim and I feel terrible when it comes to that. I feel the same way as a parent. It's not an excuse, but we have a lot on our plate and make decisions by the second--while one is pulling you for attention on one side, another is calling for you on the other side.
As you mentioned though it's always best to take a minute, pull a few aside for a quiet conversation and redirect the group. Thanks for sharing your story--it helps all of us to do the right thing, and to realize that we err in teaching. I know you're a great teacher from all the wonderful stories you share--thanks again for sharing an honest story, one we can all relate to.
Knowing you the way I do, I know that your heart is very sad right now. We all lose it once in awhile. Tomorrow is a new day with a new beginning,....you are still The Greatest Fourth Grade Teacher!!!!
ReplyDelete@Maureen,
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful story of forgiveness and restoration! Thank God for those things. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you sharing it.
Your encouragement is well received. Thank you for reading and responding.
We are all human and make mistakes. I certainly have.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you handled it with the girls afterward. It showed the class that teachers sometimes do or say things that we regret and that it is important to try and fix mistakes.
Thanks for sharing the story, Justin. We can all relate and learn from it. And tomorrow, we start fresh! :-)
~Linda
Oh, man. I think we all do it at some point, don't we? There are days when we just take the path of least resistance.
ReplyDeleteYou can't take it back, and it's no good to stew in guilt. So take this as food for thought: you have proved yourself to be wholly human and imperfect. You make mistakes like everyone else, but you have the insight to make it right. The girls learned an important lesson from you today, albeit at the cost of some tears; even the best fall down sometimes.
I appreciate your humility and transparency, Justin. After reading a ton of b.s. "this will fix your teaching" blogs, your tone is a breath of fresh air. And, ultimately, this is what will fix education: apologizing, being open, reconciliation. Those are the powerful strategies that beat the heck out of anything Marzano is talking about.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our days. We are human and in no way perfect. The difference is you realized you were wrong and handled it immediately. You also are aware that you are going to have to rebuild your relationship with the girls and you will.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to balance home and school and we all feel it. Might I suggest if you've had a tough morning at home let your students know. It sometimes helps.
JoAnn
Linda, Heather-
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I read them this morning and felt very refreshed. It was a great day in my classroom.