Words hurt.
As a teacher, I’ve unwittingly said things in the classroom that have done more harm than good. I’ve said all of the phrases on this list more times than I’d care to admit. They seem loving at face value, but can be destructive in the long run.
1. This is easy.
Yikes. Easy for whom? Me? The 2/3 of the class who was at this school last year? The kids who love math?This sends a mixed message at best. If we believe kids are individuals, then there will be differences in learning. My old superintendent used to say “Every child can learn, but not in the same way and not on the same day.”
The lingering question this leaves is what if it isn’t easy? This is where students start to feel self-doubt and stupidity.
Better to say: I hope this is do-able for you.
2. You are so smart!
What happens the next time the student isn’t so smart? Were you lying? What is the expiration date on this statement? How often does a student need to live up to this?A student’s follow up question to this might be what will I be next time I can’t do something? This can make a student feel insecure and feed into a people-pleaser mentality. This can also wreck a student struggling with perfectionism.
Better to say: Tell me about your work.
3. Great job!
Adults say this so much to kids. What does it even mean? It’s too general and can marginalize the learning process over the end product.This is another phrase that can feed into a child’s need for approval. A kid could feel like he constantly needs to check in with you to make sure he’s doing a “great job.” Enough of this will diminish confidence and initiative.
Better to say: It looks like you worked hard on that.
4. You should already know this.
According to whom? The principal? A stuffy administrator in the state capitol? This year’s curriculum map?This statement can really mess up a kid. The word should is the culprit here. It gives the student the impression that she missed something. Probably something important.
There are so many what ifs when a teacher says this. What if the child was absent during that lesson last year? What if the student had skill gaps and wasn’t ready to learn it when it was presented? What if the kid was spaced out because their dad was terminally ill?
Better to say: Some of you may know this already. It’s okay if you don’t. I’m here to help.
What are some things you’ll never say to a kid again?
photo credit: gfairchild cc
This is an awesome post. As educators, we sometimes forget the power and long-lasting effect of our words that we use with students. Specific feedback, as you talk about in 2 and 3 I believe is so important. Not only do you make a student really feed valued, but you are also reinforcing what you'd like the student to do again.
ReplyDeleteYou're spot-on, Kasey. One of my favorite proverbs is "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Words are powerful.
DeleteI feel convicted, but in a good way. I've said all of those things at least once.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds of a teacher that I had that wrote "great job" on one of my assignments. I was excited until I read the same words on all of my classmates' assignments. Individual feedback can be powerful when used correctly.
ReplyDeleteI try not to say "I need you to ..." because kids don't really have to care about my needs.
ReplyDeleteBetter to just say, clear off your desk instead of I need the desks cleared.
I am horrified to admit to something I said to a lovely young woman who was a senior in my Spanish 4 class my first year of teaching in 1988. I have no recollection what her "mistake" was, but I said "And YOU want to be a SPANISH teacher?????" I regretted the words the instant they left my mouth. I apologized to her months later. To my surprise, she didn't remember the incident! I learned two lessons that day. The first is to apologize to a student if you say something hurtful. The second? Just because I think what I am saying is fine doesn't mean that a student hears it or understands it the same way. Every September when I go through my class expectations I make sure my students know I would never say something to hurt them intentionally, but if I do inadvertently, they need to tell me after class because their feelings matter. I will keep these 4 comments on a post-it-note on my computer at school this year AND try not to say 2 + 3 too frequently to my son at home.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to be perfect all the time. I agree that you should just apologize and go on. Kids understand that teachers make mistakes.
DeleteI had one of those awful teacher moments too. We all make mistakes! I apologized profusely too! I agree that that is paramount!
DeleteAn apology can be a powerful thing. I like how you start the school year, I am going to do the same.
DeleteVery humbling post. Often we say things without meaning any harm and don't think of how a kid will hear them. As teachers, we don't like being bashed by ignorant politicians; let's not unintentionally bash our students.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes say, "This is easy" to myself just to encourage myself. It really works when I'm intimidated by a task. But it's probably true that it's better not to say it to other people.
ReplyDeleteOne teacher told my son "you're just acting stupid" when he didn't get something. The teacher meant it as a way to say "I think you are smart enough to do this on your own" but, since my son wasn't acting, his teacher basically just called him stupid. As you can imagine, things went downhill from there. As a teacher I cringe at the damage done to my seemingly "smart" son who is yes intelligent, but also ADHD and low skilled. More than anything he needs direct positive feedback on specifically what he is doing, not on who he is as a person. People have been telling him for years how "smart" he is, so that when he comes to something difficult, which happens more and more, he tells himself he isn't smart because this is hard, and he gives up. Thank you for your post, these are great things to keep in mind.
ReplyDeleteJustin, these statements really go well with Carol Dweck's work on mindsets, something I'm very passionate about. Have you read any of her work?
ReplyDeleteNot to be too literal, but it seems to me that #3 "great job" is really not in the "NEVER say to a kid" category, so much as it should perhaps be on the "consider being more sparing in your use" list.
ReplyDeleteI certainly appreciate the problem of creating a sort of Skinner box model of education, which leaves students pressing the lever for pellets long after the pellet box is empty, but I hardly think that a teacher need feel ashamed because he or she occasionally uses that phrase to praise a student or even to indicate that a job was, indeed, well done.
This is a fabulous post, and I catch myself using each of these on occasion as both a parent and teacher. But I shouldn't, at least I shouldn't 99% of the time. That said, I tell kids all the time they are my favorite student. It's kind of a running joke in my classroom. (They are all my "favorite.") Maybe I shouldn't do that either. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post and great reminder to every educator and parent. It is difficult to control what you say in the "heat of the moment" and often, we don't even realize that what we say was hurtful. I regret using sarcasm in some of these similar situations.
ReplyDeleteI think that if something is said, that it is best to apologize and admit that you regret what you said.
This is a wonderful list of phrases that I am sure are commonly said in the classrooms. Much of the logic behind not saying these, relates to Carol Dweck's growth mindset studies (wonderful book titled MINDSET).