As I asked our wonderful custodian to unlock my classroom, I realized it had almost been two months to the day since I had been in my room. That doesn't sound like long, but in teacher time, it feels like a lifetime.
I stepped through the door and set my things down on my empty desk. I started to glance around the room. Empty. Empty walls. Empty whiteboard. Empty counters. Empty desks. Empty chairs. Just empty.
Then a very strange thing happened. I began to be overcome with emotion. It was almost to the point of tears. I was not expecting that. I looked around and I swear I could hear them. The laughter, the questions, the chatter. . . it was almost audible.
I had two pretty amazing groups of students last year. It was a difficult year in many ways. The first year of teaching a new grade level always is. But, those students made it something special.
I couldn't sit down just yet. I had to walk around, and look and touch. I had to relive the old before I could begin the new. I let my fingers lightly drag across the desktops. I glanced out the window. I didn't stifle the memories. I let them flood back naturally and unencumbered. I paced the room for fifteen minutes before I took a deep breath and finally sat down at my desk. It was time to move on.
* * *
Today is a blank slate, much like the current state of my room. I have no expectations. I have no list. I have no agenda. I simply want to be here. I want to feel the space. I want to look at it with fresh eyes and an open mind. I want to causally leaf through the pages of possibilities and not limit my thinking. I want to see this room for what is possible instead of simply what is. It's empty now, but it won't be for long.
Good luck on your new adventure! Many don't understand the tremendous grieving process teachers go through EVERY year. We become so invested in our students that it is as if they are our very own children. Just when that the relationship/bond is the strongest (the end of the year) we are required to severe the tie. It takes time for us to "come to terms" with losing those loved ones, & accepting the fact that we will be going through it again. It is even more difficult when there was something extra special about the bond. As teachers, we naturally reflect on the school year, & whether it was predominantly positive or negative, we grieve. Yet, somehow, we pull it together to begin the process again. I can hear in your post how deeply you are grieving the loss of outgoing students. But I can also hear that you will be able to overcome this loss & make this yet another meaningful year for your students.
ReplyDelete@tracymercier That is unbelievably accurate. You are describing how I feel to the letter. I can tell you have gone through it many times. It is definitely something only a teacher can really understand.I just finished my 6th year of teaching, so I've done it before. I guess this past year teaching fourth graders (instead of first graders) hit me deeper than I had thought. I thought I had "come to terms" back in June as the school year ended. I guess I still had a little left in there.Thank for you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me tear up, Justin. You have shared an account that I relate to in every detail! And Tracey's comment lends explanation to the beautifully expressed emotions in your post... feelings that many teachers have! You are not alone... In fact, I think it was this grieving process that caused me to take more than 20 hours to move out of my old classroom at the beginning of July! I dreaded moving, because I was grieving the end of my year with my kiddos. They were a challenging, but thoroughly delightful bunch... and I'm missing each and every one of them with all my heart! But, I love your final paragraph--the hope of the new year is what moves us past the grieving! Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteJustin......just as you are where you were....yesterday....this Mom and a few others I know are thinking the same thing.....how my son will ever find another you..... I don't know.... I can only hope and pray....that he will find teachers that see him for who he is... you did this for 18 children....half the day and another 18 plus the other half. you SAW them..... their needs.... etc.... you went out of the box when needed.... it is a thankless job.....stressful at times....some teachers teach because it is just what they do...but some do because they adore it... love it.... care.....for each student.....there is a difference.....and trust me, after three children in fourth grade, you got our fourth grade wall of honor spot.... because out of all the others.. you did the most... more than your contract, more than your worth in salary....... so go do what God created you to do third best next to your wife and children and serving him, GO HAVE FUN!!!!!! and in the midst of all of that.... you will teach them everything they need to know! Blessings and hey if you don't get a room mom let me know! Now that I know you won't answer my emails.... it's ok! LOL I will just show up or forget to show up! Blessings
ReplyDeleteJustin~I have been teaching for 15 years and can still relate to this feeling. I have changed grades, buildings, public to private...you name it. There is something sacred about the space we create each year regardless of the space that you are in. The walls of the room represent the moments shared, the joy, the struggles, the learning, and the connection created within your class. I morn the loss of that sacred space every year...I still cry on the last day of school. Those emotions prove to me every day that my passion for teaching and learning is as strong as it was before I even stepped into my first classroom. Cherish those feelings...they will remind you to stay true to your passion for teaching and learning. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful, reflective post.~Megan
ReplyDeleteFunny. I just went in to school today as well. I needed to stop by to pick up some books so I took a deep breath and stepped back inside. Though the floor is shiny and the building smells remarkably clean, there is something sad about a school without children. Walking into my room, I found it much like yours. I thought about how much I love the ability to always start anew that teaching allows. I'm excited to think about the new students who will soon enter, the new ways I want to use space, and the new ideas have for using technology alongside of our curriculum. I took pictures of the room before leaving. Like you, I love this "blank slate" and want time to consider all that is possible. Thanks for sharing. Love the pics!!
ReplyDelete@mrspal Thanks for your comment. I can feel your passion in your words as someone who has gone through it many times. Sacred is a great word to describe what happens.
ReplyDelete@justwonderinY Very insightful comment! I love the rhythm and new-ness of teaching as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so impressed with your insights and thoughtfulness. I can only hope my children get to have you as their teacher when they get to 4th.
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