I can't quit. I can't quit, no matter how badly I want to at times. My pastor says that it's okay to talk about quitting as long as you are not really going to quit. That line of "not really going to quit" gets a little blurry sometimes.
The battle of quitting is more a battle of my own inadequacies than it is a battle against "the system." I battle my own expectations more than policy. I know that I hold myself to a higher standard than others. I'm not sure why. Deep down I think that I can solve problems and get through to the kids that no one else can. I allow myself to get jealous of the relationships that my students have with other teachers. I want to do it all, and I want to be it all.
When I honestly look at it, I can see that the battle of quitting is really a battle against my pride. That precious flame that I kindle and stoke in the dark corners of my mind. My pride is the worst of me reflected back under an insidious disguise of compassion and selflessness. It's the monster I keep chained up in the back yard of my personality and hope that no one knocks on the rear gate. At least I like to think I keep it chained up.
The truth is, someone else could do my job. Someone else could teach just as well as, if not better than, I could. I'm never going to be Disney's Teacher of the Year. I'm probably never going to get much of any recognition outside of the walls of my classroom. I'm replaceable. That shouldn't be depressing; it should be humbling.
I can't do it all, and I need to stop thinking that I can. But, I can give my best. By God's grace I can get a little better each day and help my students do the same. And that has to be enough.
Photo Credit: hellojenuine
I appreciate these feelings you're having and remember some of them. Back when I was starting out, a veteran teacher taught me about the myth of indispensibility. She said that this job isn't a popularity contest. It's not about awards. Instead, it's a consistently fascinating puzzle that keeps changing day to day. If you can get past these worries and stick with what the job is, then you've got years to figure everything out. I've only been at it fifteen years or so and while I'm not popular and haven't an award to my name, I'm not bored even the littlest bit.
ReplyDeleteIt is completely normal to have some self-doubts as a teacher at times. And on one level, you're right: you are replaceable. But you are also a unique individual, the child of a God who has a purpose and plan for you. Everyone who has ever made an impact in a child's life--even the Teacher of the Year--took it a day at a time and worked to get a little better than the day before.If you strive for the recognition and don't get it, then all you have gotten is disappointment. But if you strive to make a difference to a child, you'll get the recognition from a direction you don't expect. Someone, somewhere, will notice what you do. I noticed, didn't I?
ReplyDelete@brianfay I love the words from your veteran teacher- "it's a consistently fascinating puzzle that keeps changing day to day." I appreciate the encouragement.It's just a battle I have with myself at times. I think many people, teachers especially, need to feel like they are doing something meaningful. Sometimes I get caught in the trap of desiring that meaningfulness, but feeling I don't deserve it either.Thanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteJustin, Sooooo know how you feel....maybe no Disney award this year.... but I know to one special amazing kid with a tad of Aspergers..... YOU yes YOU got through....you are still a topic of conversation in our home, your picture is still on his wall, he still journals, he wants to be like you when he grows up...when I ask him what that means he says A Dad to a bunch of kids and a cool guy that loves Jesus...... may I remind you, your rewards don't come on this earth...but your riches and trophies are stored in a higher place! May God keep blessing you with this gift of yours to be transparent and to have the guts to write what others will never write.... Blessings......
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings. It's something I struggle with every day. Not the quitting, but the inadequacies. I have high expectations for myself and come to the realization that learning is "messy" and IS like an intricate puzzle. The final piece may take years to be placed where it belongs. We, as teachers, are helping and fitting in the pieces. We definitely are part of the process. Remember, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" Phil 4:13That is a scripture that gets me through the day. God Bless
ReplyDeleteJustin, I admire your honesty and willingness to show your vulnerability. I think we've all contemplated quitting or "moving on" at some point in our career. The fact that you see your inadequacies keeps you humble, and the humble teacher is one that reflects, changes and grows. Plus, we are always our own worst critic.I feel the same way. I'm replaceable, too. But do we do it for the "recognition"? I sometimes like it when a parent comes in and thanks me or when a colleague or admin leaves me a comment, but those are the "extras". In my mind, the recognition we want is when your students recognize why WE are there; when they recognize that we truly do care for them and love each one of them; when they recognize that they are same in our classroom; when they recognize the importance of learning; when they recognize that who they were yesterday isn't nearly as important as who they are today.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post when I was your teacher. I felt the same way so many times. But through years I have come to the realization that YOU cannot be replaced. You are meant to be where you at now for a reason, even if it is not apparent at the time. It may be to make a huge difference for only one person or a small difference to many. I don't think teaching in general--at least in this century--is about academics as much as it is about relationships. It's about growing children into productive adults and showing how everything in the world is interrelated to one another. It's not about the skill and drill, it's about instilling a thirst for knowledge and a respect for decency. And it's about being there completely for those in your charge. I have no doubt you are a fabulous teacher, and more importantly, a fabulous male role model for so many youngsters who lack one. Success isn't measured by money or fame but by the positive impact you have on those around you. You may not realize the impact until years later, but it is there all the same.
ReplyDelete@geraldaungst Thanks for the comment! You are so right about taking it one day at a time. I appreciate your encouragement.
ReplyDelete@ Jeremy M.I truly appreciate your kind words. I'm definitely guilty of being my own worst critic. I shouldn't be so hard on myself.I think we all want to be the best we can be for our students. It is powerful when they can see that. The last think you said is going to resonate with me for a while:......when they recognize that who they were yesterday isn't nearly as important as who they are today.
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